Something happened last week while PM and I were having sex. Well, turns out, it didn’t actually go down like I thought it did, but I’ll get to that. This week I want to talk about what I thought happened between us. And my ruminations about said event as I sat with this incident bouncing around my brain for a week, wondering and worrying and trying to process what it meant. And what, if anything, I should do about it.
So what was this event that occurred while PM was bringing me to a shattering orgasm and that then had me freaking out for the following week?
In the midst of a raunchy sexual fantasy that he was whispering in my ear while he plowed me, one in which I was being fucked by another man, he used another man’s name. Like a specific person. A man we know and with whom we are friends and with whose family we are also friends. Let’s call this person “Tom.” And when I say I heard PM use his name, I mean, I heard him say into my ear, “Tom’s cock is stretching your cunt and it feels so good.”
Holy fucking shit. *gulp*
Now I was in the throws of an impending orgasm, so granted, I was not totally lucid. But I will tell you, my stomach did a weird flip, and I felt breathless for a beat...and then I came spectacularly.
Because it just so happens that the man conjured by PM in this steamy scene while he fucked me into the mattress is a man I’m currently crushing on. Big time. And have been for some time. And it’s more than a little possible that I was thinking about that particular person when PM uttered said-person’s name. *double gulp*
So I think there are several things to unpack here. The first is perhaps the most obvious. Why would my spouse use a sexual fantasy involving me with another man to help get me off? The second relates to the first. Why would he specifically use a man we both hang out with from time to time in this fantasy to help get me off?
The last piece is more about me than PM. It’s the fact that I am crushing on another man, who’s married and has a family, to the point where he’s appearing in a fantasy that helps get me off. *covers face with hands*
It’s all a bit of a Pandora’s Box, really, but this week I want to dive into the first two questions. *big exhale*
I’ll save my questionable crush choices and how it relates to my happy marriage for the next time around. Make sense?
As I said weeks ago in my post about Sexual Fantasies, I’ve been working to become more open with PM about some of my favorite sexual scenarios from the old wank bank. He’s taken to the whole thing like a duck to water, and the results have been hot AF 🔥
Some of these fantasies involve him in some fashion (whether as a participant or a voyeur). But I’m going to be honest with you. Mostly, he’s simply not there. *shrugs* As Esther Perel in her book Mating in Captivity reminds us, intimacy and romantic love (what she calls the domain of the “domestic”) is fueled by familiarity, whereas desire and the "erotic" is the product of mystery. It’s fantasy after all, and why would I fantasize about something I already have?
In my steamy dreamscapes I often find myself single once again (and the same goes for my fantasy paramour), whether by choice or via a tragic accident (sorry not sorry). In other fantasies I fall victim to a momentary lapse in judgement and control, and this other man and I find ourselves giving into our most primal selves for a brief time, where the reality of families and responsibilities, and consequences, are suspended for those ecstatic moments.
What can I say? I am the creator and owner of many a vivid, elaborate sexual fantasy. And I’m okay with that. Well, mostly okay with it, most of the time. (But I’ll get more into those feelings next time.)
When I’m indulging in this sexual fantasy aspect of my imagination, my mind immerses me in full-on, rated-MA episodes of sorts. Reveling in sexy fantasy allows me to explore that which is novel and unfamiliar, but in a safe way, anchored and propelled by familiar details. And I get all this without the anxiety of actually having to engage in real sexy encounters (goddess knows I’m not emotionally or psychologically ready for a crush or even a stranger to see my full mom-bod) or to deal with any potential life-imploding consequences. I can reap all the benefits *winks* of a fantasy-fuck outside my marriage without any of the repercussions of an actual-fuck.
These sexy mental porn scenes are grounded in specific locations, like the restroom at a my favorite local bakery or the special collections section of the university library where I spent so many hours in the past. Yep. I get raunchy all over town…in my dreams.
In addition to anchoring me and the object of my lust in a specific place, my brain almost always supplies flirty dialogue, witty banter even, and lots of smoldering, prolonged eye contact. It’s that sexy lead-up, where sexual tension builds and the possibilities are infinite, that makes all the difference in a sexual fantasy. It’s all in the details for me, my friends.
Maybe fingers brush and linger while he hands me a knapkin. Perhaps our knees touch under the table and neither of us has the desire or will to disengage that physical connection. Or maybe he leans over me from behind to reach that high library shelf for me, the close proximity of his body heat causing my skin to flush as he pauses and tilts his face down toward mine to say something, his eyes settling on my lips and his warm breath fanning across my face.
After this delicious build-up, my jacked imagination supplies the main body of the encounter, the meat of the sandwich, if you will. *eyebrow waggle* And this can be as little as a teasing hand caressing its way up a thigh under a table or a sensual almost-shy kiss, or as steamy as a large hand slid down the front of my jeans, or as rated-MA as my summer dress ruched up over my hips for a rough fuck while I hold onto the sink for dear life.
After the grand finale, so to speak, the specifics of these steamy liasons get a little hazy. The fantasy part of my brain doesn’t seem to know how to wrap up a sexy encounter with another man so that we both can continue on with our normal lives, no harm no foul. But all of that doesn’t really matter anyway. The whole mental episode has turned up the heat of arousal for me, and maybe even gone so far as to have gotten me off. In the end, it’s simply a fantasy, and at the end of the day, I choose to be with PM.
PM knows I have an active sexual imagination. We talk about it, and he has no problem knowing this about me. He trusts the strength of our commitment to one another, and he apparently has a healthy self-esteem. And as a result, he’s very happy to use my fantasies to get me worked up.
He’ll lean in, lips to my ear, when I’m lying there blindfolded or he has me face down on the mattress, and he’s teasing and winding me up. (Because making eye contact with my spouse while he talks about another man‘s hands all over me would be a tad awkward, in my opinion, and based on PM's actions, he agrees with me on this.)
Sometimes PM will just give me a prompt that helps start my imagination. And this is really the sweet spot for his using my sexual fantasies in our sex life.
He’s tried walking me through a whole raunchy fantasy scene, but it usually doesn’t go well for me. There aren’t too many things that are more frustrating than when you’re in the zone, climbing that peak, and then your partner says something that doesn‘t fit your mood or mental state in that moment, and you lose your groove. Mama don't like that.
Keep it simple is how I’ve guided PM in this regard. You don’t need to fill in all the gaps for me. And, in fact, my filthy imagination is a much better erotic narrator than you are.
For instance, last summer I told him about several hot fathers that were season regulars at the family pool club where I spend most summer days with my kids. And I admitted that I had a fantasy of finding myself all alone in the rec hall with one of these gentleman and that this man would then go down on me while I was laid out on the ping pong table. *fans herself*
And that type of scenario — of finding myself flirting with a sexy father until one thing led to another and maybe he’d have his hand down my bathing suit in a changing stall — became a scene that PM would begin to set for me by whispering in my ear as he did all sorts of wicked things to me.
I want to emphasize how incredibly grateful I am for a spouse that respects me as an individual that has sexual desires that may not include him. I’m human after all, and I can’t just turn off a part of me at will. If he wants the sexy, flirty Molly that is DTF with him every chance we can get, then he needs to accept that I’m that person in some sense all the time. If I were to try to suppress it outside of our relationship, I wouldn’t be the same person inside our relationship. And he’s decided that it’s in both of our interests to harness my varied and robust sexual fantasies to enhance our sex life. Who am I to argue?
But I feel like the subject of crushes and attraction for people in our social circle is a bit more of a touchy subject for PM and me. Because, when it comes to talking with PM about sexual fantasies and bringing them in as part of our sex play, we seem to have made it an unspoken rule to never name names. We've never done it before, and I didn't see any reason why we would start.
Which is why hearing “Tom’s cock“ whispered in my ear during sex threw me for a loop. Ummmm...Where the hell did that come from? Not to mention the fact that “Tom” happens to be my actual crush at the moment. Well, fuck me.
So for the last week I’ve been asking myself, why would PM cast a man whom we both hang out with from time to time in the role of the man who‘s fucking me senseless? And why this specific man?
He knows I‘m occasionally attracted to other men (like that toned father that I would chat with at the pool), but he never gets more specific than “that father at the pool,” or ”the sexy waiter,” or ”the man who sits down across from you at the cafe.” He keeps it in a safe zone, somewhere between just specific enough for my mind’s eye to supply the details it needs and yet vague enough that it doesn’t make things weird between us.
Although we feel comfortable talking with one another about our sexual desires, the subject of crushes has never really been addressed in a serious way. And I think maybe this avoidance has been intentional, on my part almost certainly and probably on his part as well.
Because, while my fantasies may on occasion pull-in a favorite actor or someone else I’ve seen but never met, most often my wank reels feature someone I know personally and for whom I feel an attraction. Someone I want to know better. Someone with whom I want to get closer.
And that‘s how I would define a “crush“ for me. That person who activates in me a longing to be closer to them, to be in their orbit. That desire to bask in their attention and to be in close physical proximity. It may include a sexual desire to do something more together with our bodies, but it doesn’t have to. For me, however, especially if it’s an ongoing crush, my erotic imagination seems to inevitably take me to sexy times. All roads lead to Rome, as it were.
Just because I choose to be with PM, through good times and bad, does not mean I’m not a sexual being. PM has my heart and soul, but sometimes my gut (and my loins, frankly) tell me I to need to get closer to someone else.
I know I tend to crush and crush hard, even though, admittedly, I don't really know where PM stands on crushes and attraction to other people IRL. It's one of the few things that PM and I don’t openly talk about.
But PM invoking our friend “Tom“ during sex seems like something we should talk about. Right? But I didn’t stop him right away when I heard it (I mean, I was on the cusp of a climax after all). And yet, the longer I went without bringing it up, the more I found myself worrying, and the more difficult it became to broach the topic at all.
So, of course, instead of just getting this possibly awkward conversation over with, I went round and round in my mind for a week, pondering PM’s possible motives for crossing this line. Did he notice my attraction for “Tom” and just thought it would be fun for me to bring him into things? Or did he notice the attention I had been giving to “Tom” and want to give me a test of sorts to see how I would react? Did he want to see if I felt guilty over my attraction?
Or, as erotic author @authoralexisrey suggested, was he fishing to see how I would react to the idea of inviting this person into bed with us? This thought hadn’t actually occurred to me until @authoralexisrey brought it up. But I must say, now that I think about it, however unlikely, that would be one friggin’ hot encounter.
Stay tuned to the blog for more from erotic author @authoralexisrey, who has promised to pen a guest post right here on A Kink and a Prayer in the very near future. Her publication, a first tale of BDSM submission, entitled Plush: an erotic short story. (The Wonderland Chronicles Book 1) is now available for pre-order on Amazon.
But back to the issue that was haunting me since "that thing that I thought happened." How the hell do I bring it up to PM?
I talked this situation over with a friend a few days ago, and she agreed that we needed to get that shit out in the open. She reminded me that PM and I already talk openly about sex and encouraged me to just be casual about the whole thing.
So finally I did just that.
I tried to keep a light and curious tone. “So last week when we were having sex and you were talking me through a sexual fantasy, I think I heard you say 'Tom’s cock.' I was just wondering what that was all about?“ There. I’d said it. And I think I nailed a flippant, whatever-it's-no-big-deal vibe. *exhales*
He was washing dishes at the time and just barely paused before he replied in an even, casual tone, “I didn’t say that.”
Now it was my turn to pause. Shit. What the motherfucker. “Oh! Okay. I thought I heard you say it, but I know I wasn’t completely with it at the time. It seemed like an odd thing for you to say, like it crossed some kind of line, but I wasn’t sure what you were thinking.” I tried hard not to ramble and to seem totally chill about the whole thing.
“No. I wouldn’t do that. I agree it feels like it crosses a line I don’t think we should cross.“ Okay. This is a good reaction. Great, actually.
But I can’t help the fact that I’m now waiting with a knot in my stomach for him to ask why I think I heard “Tom.” As in, clearly he was on your mind (which he was) if that’s what you think you heard (which I did). As I said, we haven’t talked crushes on specific people, and I’m nervous now about his reaction to the connection that‘s implicitly being drawn between my sexual fantasies and specific people we know.
But PM, being the chill guy he is, just let it be. No accusation. No judgments.
I agreed with him that it seems like a line we shouldn’t cross and tell him I’m glad I cleared it up with him. And the conversation ends. We don’t talk about why we think we should maintain this particular line, when many other lines in our sex life have been crossed. And we still don’t go anywhere near the topic of crushes we may or may not have at the moment.
So it’s over. There was no big mystery to be solved after all. But I’m still a bit thrown by the whole thing, to be honest.
It drew attention to the fact that I am currently crushing hard on another man who I see and interact with regularly as part of a social circle that also includes his family. The whole thing has me worried that my choice to not tell PM about this attraction I feel towards Tom means I’m trying to hide it from him. And if I'm hiding it from PM, that would mean I must subconsciously think I’m engaged in some wrong doing. And, in fact, I find I am feeling some guilt over my attraction to (and wanton fantasies about) this person, both because he belongs to someone else and because I wonder what this says about my relationship with PM.
So yes. It’s true that the thing that I thought happened during sex turns out to have been all in my head. It never really happened. And it’s also true that, in the end, the conversation with PM about it was pretty painless.
But this imagined incident has made me think a lot about lust and desire, specifically desire for another person outside my marriage. If I’m truly happy with my partner and our marriage and sex life, why am I desiring the attention and closeness of this other person? And it is this topic of erotic desire and crushes that I‘ll share more on next week.
Until next time, stay kinky 😉
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