Last week on social media I shared a link to a Sex Personality Quiz from Psychology Today and included a screenshot of my personal “Spiciness” score. I thought that for this week‘s blog post, it would be fun to share a little bit about what I learned about myself (and PM) and what I want to do about it.
So yes, I had PM take the test. Or maybe coerced is more accurate. But whatever. While he was busy baking bread, I asked him the questions, pressed him for answers, and physically took the quiz for him. *eye roll* In any case, turns out that in a lot of areas he and I are on the same page or are very similar (which, I suppose, isn’t shocking), but some of his answers did surprise me. And I’ll talk more about what was unexpected about his responses and why I’m still currently irked. 😒
A side note on the baking bread thing. So PM has been baking his own bread via a sourdough starter for, geez, maybe 6 years now. On IG last week, a question popped up on my feed asking how you could tell if someone would be good in bed. Several folks said if they bake, because of the attention to detail required. I’d have to agree, although PM thinks baking bread is an even better indicator. He explains that it requires not just an eye for detail, but one has to gauge and adjust as one goes to get it to come out right. Everything has an effect on how it develops, from air humidity to temperature to moisture to the type of flour you use, and you have to be flexible in your technique when things aren’t progressing the way you want them to. Bread is a finicky mistress, or so PM tells me. Just some food for thought, if you will. 😏
Back to our supposed sex personalities. In general, the test seemed pretty thorough, for what it is. It’s 68 questions and will take you about 20 minutes. I’m not one to regularly take these types of online tests, and I’ll admit that it’s been a long while since I’ve taken a quiz in a magazine. But for the areas that this quiz “measured,” the questions seemed to cover most of the major bases. I’m not sure what the test’s assumptions are, but what was missing were any questions including a reference to sexual preference. So while the quiz asks about one’s view on threesomes, it doesn’t ask about one’s view on (or willingness to engage in) say a same-sex encounter, which, obviously, would be relevant for scoring the sex personality of someone identifying as heterosexual. And to more accurately profile those not identifying as heterosexual, there would have to be other sets of questions. But it’s just a magazine test, not an evaluation administered by a professional, so I‘ll take it for what it is — a fun conversation-starter.
Anyway, I went ahead and paid the four bucks to get my full test results. I found that it gave me four different scores. And if you take the quiz (Who am I kidding? Of course, you will!), you’ll see that the questions are sort of grouped according to these scores.
1) Overall results is the score they say reflects your “Overall attitude towards sexuality based on a continuum from conventional to liberal.” For this score, I received a 98. Makes sense to me. I’m open-minded about sexual tastes, even if it’s not something in which I personally have an interest. PM is likewise non-judgmental when it comes to how others express themselves sexually, as long as it’s consensual. So we’re very much on the same page with our attitudes towards sexuality, which I’m grateful for considering that we both came of age within the same judgmental, sexually repressed religious movement.
2) Spiciness claims to measure your “Tendency and desire to be sexually innovative and explorative.” Now, my original Spiciness score, the one I shared on social media, was a 68. I later retook the test after I had given it to PM and we had discussed the meaning of a few of the questions. I ended up with a slightly different Spiciness score — a 71. According to the quiz gods, “People who scored high on the Spiciness scale also reported their sex life as being extremely satisfying.” And I’d say I’m pretty darn satisfied with my sex life. 😆 Yeah, so apparently I’m comfortable experimenting, and my approach is playful and fun. Sure. I‘ll buy it.
PM got a 58 for his Spiciness. Apparently, he, too, is comfortable experimenting, but while he’s creative, he’s not the most adventurous. *eyes narrow, head tilt* I don’t know. He’s pretty much game for just about anything if it gets him in the sack with me. And really. What more can a girl ask for? But I do think that this next statement describes him to a tee: “You seem to have discovered what pleases you, and plan to stick with it!” Yeah, so he‘s up for trying new things (largely for my benefit), but he’s not looking to reinvent the wheel. But heck, his regular playlist is damn good, so no complaints here.
He surprised me though, when the test asked how often you introduce something new into your sex life. He answered ”on most occasions (70-89% of the time).” Huh. Clearly I have no idea about the amount of thought and creativity that he puts into sexing me up. But given that he’s helping me climax about 8 times per week on average, I’d say his hard work is definitely paying off. (A discussion of how daily climaxes have improved my life will have to wait for another time. 😅)
So in consideration of how much PM innovates, I’m not sure a 58 is really fair. Yeah, sure, the guy doesn’t own any sexy attire/lingerie, and he only uses sex toys for my benefit. And where I’m game to make a sex tape or get it on in front of a mirror, he’s all set. (Well, he’d totally do it for me; it’s just not his bag.) But whatever. He’s creative where it counts, so again, I see no reason to gripe.
3) Sexual Daredevil is your supposed “Level of sexual adventurousness and boldness.” Probably not surprising that at age 41, married with three kids, my Sexual Daredevil Index is a 48. 😂 According to my results, “You have a taste for the sexually daring, although there may be some sex play that just doesn't strike your fancy.” Yeah, so sex in public spaces just doesn’t appeal to me. Go figure. And in our relationship, there isn‘t room for extra people (outside our fantasies, that is).
PM‘s answers largely mirrored my own. So, I get that we’re not the most daring couple. But I’m absolutely okay with that. I mean, the man has never had any qualms shagging me silly with a infant sleeping in the bed right next to us or with the kiddos in the next room over. I’d say we’re perfectly happy with our level of Daredevil. 😆
4) Sexual Expression is supposed to reflect one’s “Comfort with expressing wants, desires, and sexuality in general.” Now, it was in these questions that my answers and PM’s diverged the most. I got an 83 for my Sexual Expression Index, and the powers-that-be claim this means “you are comfortable voicing your desires and sexuality in general, and likely have a partner who shares the same openness,” both being “essential for a healthy sex life.”
The test asks, “Do you talk about your sexual fantasies with your partner?” Although this type of sharing is fairly new for us, as I talked about in my last blog post, when I got to this question I chose, “I openly talk about my fantasies with my partner when it comes up.” He, on the other hand, answered, “I would like to talk about my fantasies with my partner, but I don't dare for fear of being judged or ridiculed.” 😳 When I asked him that evening to tell me about a personal fantasy (because, obviously, I couldn't let a sleeping dog lie), he said he couldn’t tell me any because he doesn’t have fantasies. And yet, when asked two questions earlier in the test about sexually-explicit fantasies, he had answered, “I have a few simple fantasies (mostly images without a plot).” So, of course, I called Bullshit.
When I pointed out the fact that in the test he had already admitted to having fantasies, he still tried to weasel his way out of answering by stroking my ego and insisting that since he has sex so often with a beautiful woman, he has no need for fantasies. Well, I didn’t let him get away with that one either. Tell me, I insisted.
Lest you think that our relationship is all rainbows and kittens and explosive orgasms, all the time, I'll enlighten you and take a moment to vent. While being a wordsmith is a substantial part of PM's profession, when it comes to our relationship and expressing what he's thinking or how he feels, PM fails pretty miserably.
Don't get me wrong. We talk all the time, about all sorts of things. And I know he can express how he feels. He's an amazing father to our children, and I'm often blown-away by the thoughtful, empathetic conversations he has with the kids. But when it comes to communicating affection or any sort of intimate thoughts or feelings with me, it's like pulling teeth. PM’s primary love language is definitively not words of affirmation. Unfortunately, this just happens to be my own. *sigh*
Now, as for me, I’m in the “many vivid, elaborate and ever-changing fantasies” camp. And as I said in my last post, as terrifying as it is for me, I’m beginning to open up and share the basic outlines of some of these scenarios with PM. And he says he appreciates my courage and the trust that I have in him. He’s responded with nonjudgmental curiosity and open-mindedness. And he’s been more than happy to incorporate them into our intimate encounters.
Now, the test gods emphasized in my results that just because I’m adventurous, ”it's okay for your partner to decline your suggestions.” 😒 I’m feeling judged. So just because I feel comfortable baring my inner sex freak to PM and want him to do the same to me, I need to be able to accept that he doesn’t feel that same level of comfort, at least, at this moment in time. Ugh. I know they’re right, but it doesn’t mean I‘m thrilled about it.
He explained that he‘s afraid of how I’ll react because, for the last 20 years of our relationship, I’ve been a self-conscious, jealous mess. Well, that’s not exactly what he said, but that was the gist. And I admit that I struggle with self-esteem issues. I always have. But I’d like to think that I’m making progress. Yet, when I insisted that I’ve grown so much over the last year and that I can, in fact, handle hearing about some of his fantasies, he reminded me of my reaction just a few months ago. When he had pointed out some actresses that he found attractive, I immediately began comparing myself to them and feeling self-conscious. And I continued to bring it up for weeks afterwards. Yeah, I know. I'm the worst. (And I should add that I all but harassed him into this bit of sharing, in the first place. 😬).
But shouldn’t I get a tiny peek into his filthy subconscious? I feel like it’s only fair for him to make himself a little vulnerable in this regard. I realize that he said that his fantasies are few and simple and mostly image-based versus plot-based, but doesn’t that make it easier to share them? I mean, I’m pretty mortified by some of my spank-bank material — some of it‘s not only embarrassing but even a bit weird, if you ask me.
Still, I understand where he’s coming from. I do. He’s worried he’ll make me feel bad. And while I want to believe I’ve made progress with my confidence issues, I can also see why he doesn’t want to take the chance. But it doesn’t negate the fact that I’ve been open and shared some (embarrassing) fantasies with him, and I want him to do the same. So, we’ve reached an impasse for now. *shrug*
I suppose the important thing for me to remember is that he’s an amazing partner who lights me on fire. And considering where we both came from — a shame-based and guilt-based shadow of Christianity with an unhealthy obsession with controlling people’s sex lives — we’ve both grown so much. I can only hope that some time in the future we’ll trust one another enough to mutually share our freaky fantasies.
I’ll talk more another time about my relationship and our love languages, but if I’ve got you wondering about how you and your partner express and receive love, you can take Dr. Gary Chapman’s official quiz.
Click here to take the Sex Personality Test for yourself. And maybe, if you’re feeling brave, come back and leave a comment to let me know your score! And stay tuned for when PM and I take the TikTok “Kink Test” ⛓ 🧶😈
Until next time, stay kinky 😉
86 spicy fun quiz
I scored 78 overall, 70 on Spiciness, 65 on daredevil, and 83 in expression. His scores were similar which is no surprise. Our sex is on🔥!