I consider my clothing options for the evening as I walk the kiddos through their bedtime routines. I want to look casual, like this last minute get together is no big deal — just a few adults hanging out on our back deck after the children are settled in bed. Some booze, weed, snacks, easy conversation. But truth be told, I’m excited AF, and a bit nervous even. *bites lip*
Why am I so keyed up over a deck hangout sesh? It just so happens that one of our guests is my current crush. (If you haven’t read up on my tendency to crush and crush hard, catch up on all the juicy details on ”the thing that I thought happened” here and its aftermath here.)
I feel like a total teenage girl as I write this week’s piece and lay bare my inner thoughts and feelings. I just hope that my readers will either relate in some tiny way or, in the very least, laugh with me at my silly, self-made drama. It‘s been a tough week otherwise, and sometimes we just need to indulge in a little fluff.
It’s all a bit ridiculous, really. I know it is. As I‘ve said before, this man whom I have the hots for is married with a family. We’ve been friends with him, with them, for a few years now. But I like him, by which I mean, I kinda like him like him. Not only do I find him physically attractive, but I connect with him in a way that I don’t with most of our other male friends and acquaintances.
Am I happily married to a wonderful man? Yes. I know what I have is amazing. But it’d be silly of me to pretend that I don’t hope we’re going to run into my crush at social gatherings and that I don’t love it when I get his undivided attention in a conversation. And, sure, my husband make my toes curl at least once everyday. My sex life is lit up. But I also have an untamed erotic imagination that likes to cook up all sorts of naughty scenarios featuring myself and other men.
I don’t know what to say except that I‘m a human being, which means I’m a mess of contradictions and paradoxes and that none of it is logical. *shrugs*
But back to my butterflies and teenager tendencies…
Truth be told, this sans children hangout over which I’m currently excited-nervous was totally a scheme on my part to spend more time with my crush. It’s embarrassing to admit, but it is what is.
You see, I suggested to PM that we have him over for a beer while his family’s out of town, and PM was down with the idea. He happens to be one of only a few people that PM likes enough to see outside our family’s social scene.
Because when you have kids who aren’t old enough to be off doing things on their own yet, there are a lot of folks in your life that you see because your kids get along with their kids. But the number of people you choose to see outside of your kids‘ social life is a whole lot smaller — those people that you actually really enjoy hanging out with.
And for my Preacher Man, an introvert who constantly has to deal with people and their problems as part of his profession, the number of folks who he likes seeing and who don’t utterly drain him is even smaller. And it just so happens that my crush is one of the chosen few. (I tell myself that I clearly have good taste.)
So PM was agreeable to the idea of some late night socializing with a few friends. What he didn’t know was that I’ve had this hang out plan in the works in my mind for weeks.
When I found out my crush wasn’t traveling with his family, I almost immediately hatched this little plot to have him over.
I mean, sure, I admit that in my lust-fueled imagination, there’s a whole host of plots, a wide variety of schemes, that all involve somehow procuring some one-on-one time with my crush. And yes, in these steamy fantasies a friendly visit ultimately leads to sexy times in one way or another.
But don’t get me wrong. This particular scheme IRL is all on the up and up. I‘m just talking drinks and conversation around a table on our back deck. PM’s there, of course, along with another close mutual friend. Nothing untoward. Nothing even vaguely suggestive. Well, not outside my imagination anyway.
The only reason I’m hanging out with them at all is that it’s at our house. That and I want to be there. Perhaps many wives wouldn’t have interest in hanging with the boys, as it were. I could just as easily stay inside and watch television or read a book or something. But the fact is that my extroverted self likes to chillax with friends. One of the friends in this case just happens to make my loins burn. But whatever.
Just a few friends socializing after the kids go to bed. This is the reality. And yet this knowledge does nothing to stop my erotic imagination.
But really, the whole thing is innocuous, I remind myself. I need to calm the fuck down, I tell myself as I redo my makeup. I hang out with my crush together with other friends quite often in the context of our children seeing each other. Play dates, birthday parties, and the like. Sometimes one or the other of us will even be at an event or meet up without our spouse. It happens all the time.
This particular situation is a little different because it’s purely an adult thing. My crush would be coming by for a beer after my kiddos have gone to bed. Maybe that’s why I’m so excited over it? Because there are no children to interrupt conversation? Because really. It’s not like PM won’t be there with us, too. This isn’t a date, I scold myself. And it certainly isn’t an orgy, for god’s sake. (But it could be, my inner erotic self whispers. I attempt to push her into a mental closet and lock it up tight.)
The reality is that as a stay at home parent with three kids, I don’t have much of a social life beyond our family‘s social life, although I do try to grab drinks with my mama friends a few evenings a month. I love any chance to chill with our friends without having to be a parent at the same time.
PM and I often have friends come hang out with us in the evenings if their families are out of town. Last spring a close friend’s wife and children were abroad visiting family for over four months. He became a fixture a few times a week at our kitchen island, the three of us drinking bourbon and eating snacks. On occasion another friend would come by, too. It was all very relaxed. Most of the time I’d already be in my joggers, makeup taken off for the night.
Why is this so different? I ask myself. Not only am I reapplying my makeup right now, but I’m stressing about what I’m going to wear.
In reality, tonight is not so different than conversing with my crush while sitting in the grass and watching our kiddos play together. And PM will be hanging out, too (he’s the one who sent the invite text after all). But for some reason my psyche is treating this more like a lovers’ rendezvous, my crush coming over in the evening to see me. I’m clearly reading too much smut and erotic literature. *cringes*
I know this drama, this sexual tension, is all in my mind. This man has never given me any reason to think that he sees me as anything other than a friend. If he even gives me that much thought, which I’m sure he hasn’t and doesn’t. But fantasy has little to do with reality.
And all erotic fantasy aside, I really enjoy his company, as a friend. PM knows this. And my suggestion that we plan an evening hang with a friend whose family is out of town is neither surprising nor unexpected.
But for me, this time is different. I’m excited. Because rather than simply a casual visit from a friend or two, in my mind this was the opening scene of my own personal lust-fueled erotic fantasy.
PM and I have never talked about the fact that I have a crush on this man. I like to pretend he has no idea. But given the attention I’m giving to my appearance tonight, and the teasing he’s dishing out, I’m pretty sure he’s in the know.
When PM suggested we invite another mutual friend as well, “Sure,“ I said. “That’ll be fun.” But really, I couldn’t care less about the other friend coming over. I feel about him like I would a younger brother. I like this other friend, I really do, but it’s more akin to how I like a comfortable pair of sneakers.
You see, I‘ve mentally put most of our male friends from our inner circle — those whom we hang with (all married, mostly with families) — into various familial categories based on how I relate to them or feel about them. It’s all super juvenile, I know, but I can’t help it. I‘m weird, and I’m working hard at accepting this about myself.
There’s the slightly older friend who’s got lots of strange hobbies and knows a lot of odd facts about a plethora of topics. He’s the friend you hit up if you’re looking for a spare bike part or an interesting story. I wouldn’t hesitate to text him if my toddler does something hilarious or if we need a sliding ladder. I see him like an older brother. No sexual tension. Just comfortable, positive vibes.
There’s the European guy who I don’t know as well but with whom PM is friends. He does construction and is on the more masculine and quiet side. From what I gather, he used to be pretty smooth as a young man, which is probably how he snagged his very attractive, funny wife. He‘s not my type, but I can see how he would appeal. He’s like the aloof cousin. I don’t have him figured out, but I’m comfortable enough around him.
There’s the husband of a close female friend who talks a lot about art and artists and the music that was the shit in the late 90s and early 2000s and wears band tshirts and skate sneakers. Most of the time I have no idea what he’s talking about when he and my older-brother-friend get engrossed in a conversation. I relate to him like he’s my older brother’s cool but alien-to-me friend. I can carry on small talk with him, but we don’t really connect.
Then there’s our closest couple friends. Our kids are extremely close to their kids, and we see them (husband, wife, or both) almost every day. We spend most holidays together. When I text them for something, I usually text them both, but I’m equally comfortable just texting the husband. I’ll even send him weird things from time to time, either randomly or as a follow-up to some conversation we‘ve had. He’s a few years younger than us, an extrovert like myself, a bit nerdy, very self-conscious and totally conflict-averse. I can easily hang with him sans spouses at the park while our kids play, and he’s the friend that spent many a night sitting with PM and me at our kitchen island while his family was abroad. And there’s absolutely no sexual tension between us. At all. He and his wife really are like family, and in this case, I see him like a younger brother. And he’s the mutual friend that’s joining us on the deck tonight.
Finally, there’s my crush. And I don’t have any familial feelings toward him. Yeah, not at all. It‘s more like he’s my brother’s cute friend. Who I have a little thing for. But who I don’t think even notices me in any way other than as a platonic friend.
So, yes, I feel sexual tension there, but I’m pretty positive it’s completely one-sided. Not so much tension, then, which would require both parties holding the rope taut. More like I’m obsessively holding onto one end of the rope and staring dreamy-eyed at the person across the way, wishing they were holding the rope, too. Which is perhaps why it feels so safe to obsess a bit about him. But who knows.
I admit my crush feelings likely have a lot to do with his tall, lean figure. I definitely think there is a raw physical aspect to my attraction. But he’s also got an awesome personality. And I just want to make eye contact and listen to him talk. Dear lord, I really do sound like a teenage girl! *sighs*
I ultimately go with jeans and a satin sleep cami and throw a light cardigan over it for warmth. I decide to skip a bra — I’m smaller chested anyway — and turn this way and that in the mirror, wondering whether I can get away with this slightly sexy, boudoir look.
I ask PM what he thinks, pointing out that I’m not wearing a bra and that I’m not sure if I look ridiculous or not. I half expect him to tell me it’s too much. That I should change my top. Instead, he gives me a knowing grin. “Bend forward,” he tells me. When I do, he cranes his neck to peek down my cami. “Looks good to me,” he says and gives me a wink.
“Really?” I ask, feeling just a little odd that I’m asking my husband for his opinion about the sexy attire I obviously put on because our male friends are coming over. “Really,” he replies. “Would you like for me not to join you?" His grin now stretches even wider. “That way you’ll be the center of attention.” He chuckles. “Should I send them a text that says ‘Btw, clothing optional,’ with a winking kissy face?”
I know he’s teasing. I also know the jig is up — I know that he knows that this has nothing to do with our friend whom I view like a little brother and everything to do with the other man coming over. But PM’s having fun with it, and I relax a little.
I’ve shared multiple times in the past about my feelings on crushes. Every new year I seem to have one individual for whom I have a little thing, who finds their way into my erotic fantasies.
I‘ve even talked about some of my sexual fantasies in a few past posts. It’s something that I’ve only just started to let PM in on, selectively. Because I should be clear. I don’t share everything. As I said, we have a rule — previously unstated but now verbalized after "that thing that I thought happened" — that we don’t name names.
I mean, yeah sure, PM knows what actors I think are hot. He knows my type — tall and lean (no jacked muscles for me), preferably darker hair, and, of course, I love me a short beard. (Bearded for my pleasure? Yes, please!) When it comes to personalities, PM knows I like intelligence and a sharp wit. An alpha male who‘s relaxed and confident but doesn’t feel the need to prove it. A man who can laugh and doesn’t take himself too seriously. A man who isn’t threatened by an intelligent woman with strong-opinions but who also likes to play and tease.
Yeah, PM knows my type. And by and large, he’s my type. But that doesn’t mean I’m not attracted to what lies beyond the fence. After all, my erotic self is untamable.
We don’t normally talk about specific folks we know who we find attractive or to whom we‘re personally attracted. And when it comes to using erotic fantasies during sex, we agree not to use other persons’ names. Because then we’d shift from hot to weirdsies.
In a past piece or two, I talked about what psychotherapist and author of Mating in Captivity Esther Perel refers to as “the third.” The third is the embodiment of the possibilities that lie outside our monogomous relationship. The third is the road not chosen. And Perel tells us that the third exists alongside every couple, whether they acknowledge it or not.
The third is the unfamiliar, the mystery, the adventure that calls to us. It fuels the erotic imagination. The third can be something that couples are afraid of, that they view as a threat. Or couples can choose to acknowledge the existence of the third and use it to gain perspective on their partner.
The lure of the forbidden will always be there. But if we can accept the fact that although we are a couple, we are at once also individuals, each with our own erotic self, we can begin to see our partner once again as a person who will never fully be known. And that’s exciting.
Acknowledging the third — and our partner’s freedom to desire someone else — is to “[recognize] that our partner has his or her own sexuality, replete with fantasies and desires that aren’t necessarily about us” (Mating in Captivity 194).
And rather than being fearful of this fact, PM and I can use it to excite passion in our relationship. We are reminded that we don’t own one another. We could choose others, but ultimately we do not. And there‘s something powerful in that — seeing our partner as not just a given, as something not to be taken for granted.
To honor the existence of the third does not mean that PM and I have to talk about our sexual fantasies, although it is true that we do a little sharing with one another now about what excites us outside our relationship. It also doesn’t mean we have to openly discuss our attractions to others. After all, openly talking about our desire for roads not traveled requires a enormous amount of trust and a healthy dose of self-confidence on the part of both parties.
Instead, “Acknowledging the third has to do with validating the erotic separateness of our partner" (Mating in Captivity 198). There's a side of PM that is not wholly known to me and never will be. I won’t ever have ownership of or total access to his erotic self. It is his alone, along with the images and fantasies and turn-ons that go along with it.
And I, too, will always be a bit of a mystery to PM. Seeing me get keyed up over the idea of spending some time with another man is an opportunity for him to see me through new eyes.
Crushes, attractions, flirting. I may want others. And others may want me. There are more sides to me than wife, mother, caregiver, after all. And acknowledging one another’s freedom to desire others provides us with the distance necessary to appreciate one another anew.
Esther Perel outlines this new way of thinking about our partners: “I know you look at others, but I can’t fully know what you see. I know others are looking at you, but I don’t really know who it is they're seeing. Suddenly you’re no longer familiar. You’re no longer a known entity that I need not bother being curious about. In fact, you’re quite a mystery. And I’m a little unnerved. Who are you? I want you” (199).
Instead of getting angry or afraid when he gets a peek at my erotic self (and in this case, a bit of my teenage girl self, too), PM chooses to lean into it. To make space for play. To recognize my separateness, my desires and fantasies, and to enter that world of erotic imagination with me.
I felt not only incredibly affirmed by PM’s willingness to truly see me — as a woman and a sexual being — but so friggin’ turned on as well.
And I’d be lying if I said that later that evening, after our friends headed home for the night, PM didn’t make use of some erotic scenarios whispered into my ear that featured a deck hang with other men when he and I went to town on one another. And it was good. It was real good.
Next week I’ll be away camping with the fam, so I won’t have any new content to share next Wednesday. However, I will be sharing some content and sneak peeks into our messy lives on Instagram while we’re away, so be sure to follow me there @akinkandaprayer.
And check in here the following week (7/6 at 3PM EST) for more from my sexy, messy life.
Until next time, stay kinky 😉
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