Last week I posted the funny little video below, made by CoupleThing, to my FB and IG (be sure to follow me there so you don’t miss good stuff like this!), and it got me thinking about sexual fantasies. And how, after 20 years together, I’m only just now getting comfortable sharing some of my sexual fantasies with PM. But now that I’ve taken the plunge and given PM a peek into a few favorites from my mental playlist, it has brought a steamy new element into our sex that’s been surprising and hot as hell.
I’m going to honest. I totally relate to Barb in this video. From obsessing over new neighbors to making assumptions based on something I read or heard to theorizing about someone’s sex life to getting made fun by my spouse for the cray after it inevitably turns out to be all complete fiction. 😆 Now, at this point (and for the foreseeable future) PM and I have no interest in finding ourselves at a swingers party. But there’s a difference between IRL and fantasy, and just because I’m not looking to throw my keys into a fishbowl, doesn’t mean this type of scenario never features in my sexual fantasies.
Sexual fantasies are those mental images that arouse us, and most of us have them. It’s true that our culture (and I’m specifically thinking American culture here, although my guess is that it’s true in many other places as well) tends to assume that sexual fantasy, and arousal from said fantasy, are the prerogative of the penis-haver. I mean, geez, the porn industry was founded on this assumption. However, based on my own experience, and from conversations with other women, we vulva-owners also have active sexual imaginations. We’re just cuturally programmed to be tight-lipped about it.
A 2019 study looking at women’s ability to communicate their sexual desires (what they want and need in a sexual encounter), found that 55% of the participants had chosen not to talk about sex with their partners, even though they said they wanted to. And we’re not even talking about sharing sexual fantasies here. Rather, this study found that people raised as women are struggling with having a basic conversation with their sexual partners about what they need to get off in the bedroom. Is it any wonder heterosexual women report the lowest rates of sexual satisfaction? (For more on this study, see the link to David Wahl’s article in my list of additional readings.)
In this study, major reasons participants cited for not having a sex talk with their partner included fear of hurting their partner’s feelings and personal embarrassment. A few other reasons that made the list were fear of rejection and fear that their partner would see them as “perverted.” While I‘ve largely gotten past these concerns with PM when it comes to talking about what I like and need from him in order to climax, most of the same fears that were expressed by the women in this study rear their ugly head when it comes to sharing some of my sexual fantasies with him.
There’s no surprise there. Those scenarios or images that arouse me and help me get off, whether I’m by myself having a wank or getting it on with PM, are not only intensely personal, but the way I feel about them has been shaped by a culture that has historically shamed vulva-havers for having interest in sex at all. And as sexual fantasies are just that, fantasy, they are, therefore, often radically different from anything I have experienced IRL, though not necessarily indicative of any desire of mine to put them into action, making a conversation with PM about my mental playlist that much harder.
As I’ve gotten older, however, I’ve become more comfortable with talking about sex (as if that wasn’t already obvious 😆). Definitely a lot less judgmental. More in-tune with what turns me on and less afraid of exploring those things. And I’ve worked hard to let go of shame (and the shaming of others) and seeing sex and sexual fantasy as healthy and normal, though I know that even so, it’s still a work in progress for me.
Experts indicate we all have sexual fantasies of one sort of another and that, despite what the religious moral police might say, it’s normal and healthy. But why share some of them with PM, considering it’s scary as hell to give someone a peek into that side of myself? Well, again, the experts suggest that the potential payoff is big.
Ari Tuckman, a psychologist and Certified Sex Therapist writing for Psychology Today, notes that couples “who were most satisfied with their relationships and sex lives and had the most frequent sex were also the most comfortable sharing their fantasies with their partner.” (For the citation and link to Tuckman’s article, see my list of additional readings at the end of my post.) When couples trust one another enough to share some of their most private, arousing thoughts, they not only gain access to a new level of intimacy but now have the potential for new steamy bedroom repertoires.
For me, part of the reason I chose to open up in this way to PM has been to face my fears, as it were — to move away from the shameful feelings around sex that I was brought up to have and shift toward being comfortable with this normal, healthy part of being human. Without getting too deep and philosophical here (because I really want to keep this week’s post light and sexy), I recognize that I’ve had to reprogram myself, not only to banish the cultural expectations that women have been shackled with in regards to sex, but also to jettison the unhealthy religious attitudes toward sex and pleasure that so heavily influenced me in my sexually formative years. (And to be clear, I absolutely believe I was sexually repressed and damaged as a result of my conservative upbringing and its attitudes toward sex, but that‘s a rant for another time.)
My past, repressed self felt a lot of shame and guilt over sexual thoughts that were perhaps less conventional in nature or over having sexual fantasies that didn’t solely involve my spouse. I held a lot of fear that my husband would be disgusted with me or feel betrayed somehow if he became privy to the other sides to my sexual self. Conservative Christian teachings even led me to believe that I was, in a way, cheating on my spouse if I entertained certain sexual thoughts. As a result, I tended to keep my sexual fantasies to myself. But not only do I think this shame and fear was harmful to my mental and emotional health, I also think I was being short-changed sexually. Because if I’m uncomfortable with my sexual self, I’m not going to enjoy sex as much as I could be. And as my sexual partner, PM also has a vested interest in how I feel about sex. So ultimately, any sex-negative feelings I may have effect our relationship.
It turns out that not only did my spouse accept without judgment that I have all sorts of sexual fantasies, but he was also happy to have me share them with him. While PM may have been initially surprised at some of the specifics, I don’t think it was too hard for him to wrap his head around the fact that women have sexual fantasies, not unlike men. What it comes down to is the fact that he really wants to enhance my sexual pleasure. These are just fantasies, after all, and IRL I’m choosing to share my bed with him. What’s there to be upset about? And really, there aren’t too many things that are hotter than watching your partner unravel. And if fantasies help get me there, and he can be a part of that in some way, then he’s all for it.
And playful incorporation of some of my sexual fantasies has led to more and better orgasms for me. Whether he’s talking me through a dirty scenario while I masturbate (and I’ll talk more about voyeurism another time), or whispering in my ear while we go at it, allowing PM to engage my imagination as part of our sexual experience has proven to be very hot 🔥🔥🔥 But before PM and I ever had our first conversation about some of my fantasies, it was initially very difficult for me to imagine how I would even initiate that type of sharing. I wish I could recall our very first foray into the topic, but I can tell you that many open discussions that we’ve had in recent memory have been predicated by my telling him about an erotic story that I found particularly arousing or by us watching a movie that featured less than conventional sexual activities. And really, I’m in favor of just about anything if it will open up dialogue about sex. It’s no secret that I love to read smut, which can make for a great conversation piece. But any show or movie that includes a lot of sex can be a great ice-breaker. (See my brief list below of television shows and movies that have worked for us as great conservation starters about sex, sexual fantasies, and sexual preferences.)
For example, the Netflix show Sex/Life includes a scene where the main married couple visits a sex party hosted by friends. In the television show, it didn’t go well for the couple, but the idea and the visuals provided (like a couple at the party in a sex swing 😆) led PM and I to have a playful conversation about this concept. I think I remember it starting with us discussing which of our couple friends were most likely to throw a sex party. And while we both felt we wouldn’t want to actually participate, I felt that if we got invited to one, I’d want to at least check it out. I mean, how many times in your life is that opportunity going to present itself?
At the aforementioned sex party, there's a kitchen island in the background of one scene, filled with refreshments. Of course, this led to us talking about whether one expects there be snacks at a sex party. And are there rules about what goes on near the snacks? Like a minimum distance required? And do you assume everyone’s washing their hands before they grab a snack? And what was the deal with the sex swing? Did the couple on the show bring their own or did the hosts provide it? Do you take turns? What’s the etiquette for clean-up? Is it like the gym where you’re expected to wipe equipment down afterwards? And if we hosted such a party, how would we put folks at ease? Do you do shots first, maybe followed by a game of Seven Minutes in Heaven? Anyway, I think you get the picture. We keep the conversation light and playful, asking questions of one another with non-judgmental curiosity.
So not only has smut helped our sex life by putting me in the mood for sex —whether it’s reading dirty stories solo during the day or watching smutty content together at night — but it’s also set the stage for discussions about scenarios, imagery, and even language that sexually excites us. And in turn, we can draw on these to ramp up our sex, and sometimes we even put fantasies into action (the important factor here being that everything we do is legal and consensual). We now know where each of us stands on topics like public sex, group sex, threesomes, BDSM (not surprisingly, PM is definitely more of a dom, while I'm more comfortable as a sub), and voyeurism, and we've had some smokin' hot fun exploring some of these together, at least in our mental playground.
Watchlist
Here’s are a few movies and television shows we’ve watched together recently that were great segues into talking about sex, sexual desires, sexual preferences, and sexual fantasies. It’s by no means exhaustive (we’ve watched sooo many 😆), and it doesn’t include older, more classic sex-themed films. (Perhaps I’ll start keeping a running list as we come across others and will update you all from time to time.)
Sex/Life — a Netflix original show about a housewife fantasizing about her wild sexual past.
Love and Leashes — a Korean film (English subtitles) on Netflix about a BDSM relationship and ensuing romance.
Desire (2017) — a Spanish film (English subtitles) about a swingers club. I loved the overarching message and the discussion it engendered, even though the ending goes too far IMO (like okay-with-incest too far). But even extreme, problematic topics can invite interesting conversation about what sexual behaviors one thinks go too far. (Note: This film was on Netflix within the last few months but is no longer available there, apparently due to its controversial content. Not sure what they’re so worried about — I’m not going to all of a sudden think it’s okay to screw my cousin after watching it. *shrugs*) If you can find it, it’s an interesting watch.
A Good Old-Fashioned Orgy — a comedy where a group of friends decide to have an orgy. Funny and lots of stuff there to have a curious, playful discussion.
MILF -- Netflix original film in French (English subtitles) about two female friends who embark on steamy affairs with younger men.
Sources and Additional Reading
For more on the study cited above and the topic of vulva-havers’ struggle with voicing their sexual desires, see “Why Many Women Hide Their Sexual Desires,” by David W. Wahl in Psychology Today, from July 16, 2021.
On how not only is sexual fantasy normal and healthy, but on how sharing some, if not all, of our sexual fantasies with our partner can rev up our sex lives, see Ari Tuckman’s thoughts in his blog post in Psychology Today online, “Have Fun With Sexual Fantasies,” from July 21, 2017.
For some helpful tips about initiating a conversation with your partner about your sexual fantasies, see the Women’s Health article, “How to Be More Open About Your Sexual Fantasies,” by Korin Miller (Feb. 8, 2016).
For a discussion of the seven most common sexual fantasies, see the Insider article, "Sexual fantasies are completely normal –– here are the 7 most common ones according to sex therapists," by Callie Tansill-Suddath, from April 21, 2021.
I hope the experience I have had with opening up to PM about some of my sexual fantasies will inspire you all in the coming weeks to connect with your partner(s) in a new steamy way. And if you have other movie or television recommendations that could serve as conversation-starters, please do leave them in a comment!
Until next time, stay kinky 😉
The wife and I really enjoyed Secret Life of a Call Girl. I think it is on Prime.