Let’s talk tit for tat, shall we? Or cock for twat, maybe? *wink* However, you want to label it, PM and I are up to all sorts of no good, and we’re both feelin’ mighty fine with how we’re getting down to getting off.
Taking turns — it’s one of the first lessons we’re taught as children. In a sense, this basic concept is foundational for a well-functioning human society. And for PM and me, the art of taking turns has also been essential in maintaining a healthy, well-functioning sex life in our busy day to day chaos.
Because when you have three kiddos, lord knows it’s chaos, most of the time.
And while I learned to take turns on the playground as a toddler, it’s no less important when I became an adult. It’s comes down to the Golden Rule, really. I treat others as I want to be treated.
Yet the abysmal rates of sexual satisfaction among heterosexual women have me thinking that people (read: penis-owners) still have some learning to do about how to make sure their partners are getting their fair turn at receiving pleasure. (And, yes, I know that penis-havers aren’t the only ones at fault, and that really it’s a larger cultural problem, but I also refuse to downplay their role in this. *shrug* (For a little more on the “orgasm gap,” see this article.)
Practicing the art of taking turns in our sex life helps keep PM and I both feeling not only sexually satisfied, but appreciated and motivated to reciprocate. It keeps our sexual relationship on an even keel, really. And I do think that taking turns giving/receiving sexual pleasure is an art. But I’ll talk more in a minute about why I think this.
Last week, in part 1 of this series, I talked about how PM and I have reimagined what sex looks like in our relationship. Firstly, we’ve let go of the idea that all sex play has to be foreplay, that is, a prequel to vaginal intercourse. It’s not all about the P in the V for us.
“Sex” has also gained a broader definition in our relationship, and a variety of sexual acts have become an end, in and of themselves. Whether oral sex or a handjob or some other means to climax, these are efficient ways that we can take turns satisfying one another’s sexual needs on a daily basis with relative ease.
Yes, I know I just used the word “efficient.” *cringe* I know it sounds a little cold and not particularly sexy. But I’m trying to be real here about how this nearly middle-aged *grimace* married couple with three kiddos manages to have a bangin’ sex life. And needs must.
The reality was that trying to fit regular sessions of mutually satisfying sex into our chaotic lives had become difficult — I wasn’t often in the mood at the same time as PM. In fact, it often felt like we were on opposite sexual schedules. When I was on, he was off, and vice versa. We knew we had to make some concrete changes in the way we approached sex if we wanted to keep our sex life alive.
So, in addition to rethinking what sex looks like for us at this point in our busy lives, PM and I also decided that for us “sex” at any given time does not need to end in both of us getting off.
If we regularly only have 15- or 20-minute blocks of time together to be intimate, we’ve decided that it’s just not realistic to think we’re both going to orgasm in that available time. As a result, we’ve changed our focus during these brief times together. Now, during these sexy little blocks of time we manage to pull together, one of us takes the role of giver and the other receiver. And let me tell you. It might sound a little clinical, but it has lit up our sex life.
When PM takes the time to go down on me or give me a handjob, it’s not because he’s expecting that we’ll have intercourse directly afterwards, or that he’s going to get anything from me immediately afterwards (besides gratitude, of course). This is because it’s my turn to be on the receiving end of pleasure. It’s my turn to simply focus on myself, and not have to think or worry about whether I have the time or energy to reciprocate in that moment.
Likewise, if I jump in the shower with him and worship his cock, it’s because it’s his turn. In each instance, we are taking turns to make sure that the other is getting off. And it turns out that this simple practice has led to us having more frequent sex, like a lot more frequent. As in, I’m getting off every day, and I’m loving it.
And herein lies the key to why taking turns works so friggin’ well for us. If PM is taking the time to make sure I’m well-served on a regular basis, I am motivated to do the same for him. PM’s baseline for the amount of sex he needs (by which I mean any sexual activity that results in an orgasm), is at least once daily, although he'd prefer more. If he wants to achieve his basic goal, he knows he’s gotta ante up. *shrug* But, of course, I’m not going to complain about getting me a daily climax.
PM and I view ourselves as equal partners in our relationship. Consequently, how things shake out in our sex life should reflect this balance. Both of us should feel like we’re winning –– that we’re getting our sexual needs met on an equal basis. And in our busy, oh so messy lives, this simply means we regularly take turns for who’s getting off. And this practice has become so crucial for our sex life.
Now I realize that men/penis-owners are not necessarily going love this idea right off the bat. Yes, this means that the uncomfortable hard-on that you got when you went down on your partner will have to wait until next time. But, I mean, good lord, women have been not getting off during sex for millennia. Here’s a shocker, men: It’s not all about you! End rant.
It is true that some delayed gratification has to happen when it’s PM’s turn to focus on my climax. But the upside for PM is this (in addition to knowing that he’s fulfilling my sexual needs): the more regularly I have orgasms, the more I want them. And the more willing I am to reciprocate to keep getting what I want. It’s not rocket science. Regular (and by regular, for me I mean daily) orgasms make for a happier and more relaxed me, which in turn makes me happy and even excited to ring my man’s bell.
And I think maybe that’s the counterintuitive piece to this whole thing. Yes, we are taking turns forgoing our own needs to focus solely on the other’s pleasure to bring them to climax. And yet, both of us are getting off more than ever have in our over 20 years of being together. Go figure!
There’s that saying (and I very well may have quoted it before because I feel it’s so relevant when it comes to sex) that goes, with eating comes appetite. In this case, I’m likening “eating” to getting an orgasm, of course. Once we got that climax ball rolling, if you will, it created its own momentum of sorts. So, maybe, I should say, with being eaten-out comes appetite… *wink*
But the flipside is that if my needs are being forgotten about, if I’m not feeling appreciated and equally attended to, at some point, I’m going to begin to feel used and resentful. And that is going to eventually strangle our sex life, and probably our relationship, in the long run.
Of course, it’s possible that a partner-focused session will turn into the giver getting off as well as the receiver. But this isn’t the goal, nor is it even part of the goal. It’s not about me as giver in that moment. I’m wholly focused on my partner’s climax.
And while I’m obviously enjoying the steamy results of having my needs regularly attended to, our practice of taking turns in the role of pleasure-giver has transformed the way PM and I approach intimacy. Instead of an offer of pleasure that is not entirely selfless in motivation, as in “What do I have to do in order to get sex?” we have found that the conversation has shifted to a partner-focused offer, “What do you need? How can I please you?”
In the role of giver, we have begun to ask ourselves “How can I get my partner off?” instead of, “How can I initiate something so that I can get off?” This new refined focus that concerns itself with our partner’s pleasure has put us on the road to a wealth of discovery about what turns each other on. From kinks to sexual fantasies to simply learning more about our partner’s individual preferences. And it has been so friggin’ hot.
But something else happened when we decided that taking turns was what made the most sense sexually for this time in our busy lives. Not only did our turn-taking transform how we went about being intimate, it also shifted how we approached pleasuring one another.
Rather than a self-centered mindset of “How can I get this done as quickly as possible?” the attention has entirely shifted to the other person, becoming instead, “How can I maximize my partner’s pleasure?”
And this shift has opened up a whole new level of pleasure. And it is here where I see the practice becoming an artform. When one of us is the giver for that sesh, the act is not only about seeing to the other’s basic sexual needs. It has also become about showing our attraction, desire, and appreciation for the other, the receiver.
While it may have started out as a more tit-for-tat practice, it has evolved into so much more. But a discussion of some of the steaming hot ways that pleasure-giving has evolved for me (for example, in the practice of edging) will have to wait for another time.
Until next time, stay kinky 😉
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