As this blog has been about how PM and I have lit up our married sex life over the past year and half, Iâd be skipping an important chapter if I didnât talk about where alcohol and other substances fall in our journey.
Over the past two years, Preacher Man has discovered something new about my body. After over 20 years together, who knew there were still things he didnât know? Well, it turns out I didnât know about it either.
Really, it took us having daily sex sessions for the last...umâŚ495 days or so, give or take, to unlock this mystery. It hasnât been a controlled scientific experiment or anything, but the results of our sexperiment, if you will, have been nothing if not consistent.
What is this physiological secret to which we both have now become privy? I canât come when Iâve been drinking. Thatâs it. Nothing earth shattering. And yet, being unable to climax, or having it take forever, is frigginâ miserable. đ And not just for me, but also for PM, whoâs pulling out all the stops to try to get me there.
Iâm seriously grateful that he was able to connect the dots on this one.
And this is the reason why, when itâs time for me to meet up with my gal pals for drinks (you know who you are! đ), I always get a last minute reminder from PM before I walk out the door, not to âoverdue it.â Because 9 times of 10, Iâm going to come home from the bar all hot and horny, and PM, being the gentleman that he is, doesnât like to start something he canât finish â that something being me.
Now the definition of âoverdoing itâ for me is a little tricky. I can drink some, especially if itâs over a three or four hour period. So there does seem to be some wiggle room for enjoying a pint or two, if Iâm careful to stick to brews with lower alcohol content. I donât have a hard and fast amount, but if Iâve had enough that Iâm feeling a bit buzzed, I might as well cancel the nightâs showing. Even though I may be feeling frisky, Pussyâs not going to be on her A-game.
Now, when PM and I are chillaxing at home together in the evenings, weâve cut alcohol altogether.
I know what youâre thinking. The horror! đą But just because weâre not drinking, doesnât mean that weâre 100% sober. This is not a riddle, well, not when the title of this post gives away the answer.
And although this is the year 2022, and 18 states (plus D.C. and Guam) now allow for recreational use of marijuana, with many more states actively debating this issue, I realize that this is a still prickly subject for some.
The use of the cannabis plant is still illegal on the federal level. And public opinion has been heavily influenced over the years by the âWar on Drugsâ and the Controlled Substances Act of the 1970s, as well as later national anti-drug media campaigns and âJust Say Noâ education programs such as D.A.R.E.
But times are a changinâ. And I suppose a personal sex blog by a ministerâs wife is just one more proof of that.
Next week, in part 2 of this post, Iâll talk about our start with recreational cannabis, where we are now, and how it has improved our sex life, in particular for me.
A quick PSA
Iâm not here to debate legalization, either as a public health or moral issue. Nor am I interested in arguing the safety of cannabis use for adults, not when both alcohol and cigarettes are legal in the US and pose far greater risks to public health and safety.
Both PM and I have graduate degrees and know how to properly research a topic, and weâve done our due diligence and have come to an informed decision. I wonât argue about the topic either in public blog post comments or over private messaging, so if you feel the need to chastise or warn us, please donât waste your breath.
But I do urge you to do your own research from sources based in actual scientific studies. And next week I will be sure to include some links to reading on the issue, when I continue this post with part 2, which will focus on our experience with marijuana.
But today Iâm going to talk about alcohol and sex and what weâve learned doesnât work for us.
In the past, both PM and I would enjoy a few drinks together after the kiddos fell asleep. I know wine seems to be the evening drink of choice for many a mother, but itâs never been my go-to. Iâm a beer girl, although Iâve been known to enjoy myself a good whiskey. And I love me a mixed drink, but, if itâs just the two of us, Iâm too lazy to put that together for myself. PM switched from beer to whiskey years ago, one big reason being the calories.
But as weâve gotten older, getting a good nightâs sleep has become increasingly important, which is especially true once you have kids. Children are harsh taskmasters, and you canât just call it in the next day, because you wanted to party the night before.
Boozeâll put me out like a light, but itâs crap sleep. I find I wake up multiple times over the course of the night and canât necessarily get right back to sleep. And Iâm really feeling that subpar rest when I have to get up and function in the morning.
This isnât a surprise, as neuroscience tells us that alcohol does affect sleep patterns. In a NYT article on this topic, Dr. Jennifer Martin of UCLA says about the effect of alcohol on sleep, that itâs âinitially sedating, but as itâs metabolized, itâs very activating.â What sheâs saying here is that the second half of your night is going to haunt you. Basically your brain reboots after your blood alcohol level has dropped, and that does all kind of weird-ass fuckery with your sleep quantity and quality. (For more information on alcohol and sleep, see the suggested reading list at the end of this post.)
For this reason, PM had already begun shifting away from alcohol in the evenings, at least during the week. But what took us some time to realize was that sleep wasnât the only thing alcohol was messing with.
We found that if I had a couple of beers in the evening while we wound down for bed, it didnât matter how horny I was. When it came to getting it on, I couldnât get off. And it wasnât for a lack of trying, on either of our parts.
Studies have shown that women feel more sexually aroused after consuming alcohol. No shocker there, given alcoholâs ability to lower inhibitions. And itâs definitely true for me. After a few drinks, Iâm feeling sexy and saucy, and I donât like to take no for an answer. (Note that Iâm using the term âwomanâ here rather than vulva-haver because itâs whatâs being used in the literature, not to purposely exclude anyone.)
But hereâs the mega downside. These studies also suggest that women whoâve had a moderate amount of alcohol had a decrease in their bodiesâ sexual response. This moderate alcohol consumption resulted in a decrease in blood flow to the vagina, and therefore, unsurprisingly, affected their ability to orgasm and orgasm intensity.
You know that pleasant numbing effect you start to feel in the tip of your nose after a few drinks? Yeah, well, turns out those drinks are basically numbing our pussies, too.
To be fair, when the results across multiple studies of alcohol consumption and the female physiological response are compared, the results varied. Meaning, not every woman will have trouble climaxing after moderate alcohol consumption. However, if youâre finding it hard to peak, those glasses of wine you had to relax in the evening may be the culprit.
Studies show that most men also experience a decreased physiological response relative to their alcohol consumption. But while women tended to report increased libido (even when theyâre vaginas were taking a siesta), men tended to report a decrease in sexual arousal with moderate to heavy alcohol consumption.
So if youâve both had more than one drink, you might be pawing at him for a piece, but he might more interested in getting some sleep. Certainly, research has shown that having two or more drinks before sex has a negative effect on a boner. You know, good olâ âwhiskey dick.â And this erectile impairment lasts several hours after theyâve finished drinking.
And for men who already struggle with erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation, or orgasm/ejaculation issues, even light drinking can exacerbate these problems. So men between 41 and 60, when ED becomes common, should keep this in mind.
So how much alcohol are we talking here? By âmoderateâ consumption, researchers mean about 2-3 âstandard drinks,â equivalent to about 24-36 oz. of beer, 10-15 oz. of wine, or 3-4.5 oz. of hard liquor. This shakes out to be about 2-3 bottles (or 2 pints) of beer, or 1 glass of wine, or 2 fingers of whiskey or shots of vodka, gin, etc.
Thatâs not a lot of booze. I certainly donât feel like Iâm drunk after a glass of wine or a couple of beers. However, researchers have shown that physiologically, even if weâre safe to drive, our genitals may already be falling over and taking a piss in the flower bed outside the pub.
So that one glass of red wine may put us in the mood for a shag, but science says weâre cutting off blood flow to our hoohahs, ladies.
While a couple drinks may feel like a good social lubricant to put me and my partner in a naughty mood, in the end, neither one of our crotches is going to perform well.
As a quick aside, as Iâve stated before, Iâm not a medical professional. This blog is about my married sex life, and as monogamous sexual partners, PM and I donât run the obvious risks associated with drinking/substance-use and casual sex or unsafe sex. For more reading on this topic, see the reading list below.
I also havenât addressed the prevalence of alcohol use as a precursor to sex by women who have suffered sexual trauma. Alcohol intoxication as a coping mechanism in order to dissociate from a sexual experience can lead to alcohol and other substance abuse.
For a first-person narrative of one womanâs experience of her dependence on alcohol to have sex and her journey toward healing, see this essay from HuffPost, âI Needed A Drink (And More) In Order To Have Sex With My Husband,â by Laura Cathcart Robbins, from Jan. 20, 2020. Like so many women, Iâm not without my own âMe tooâ experiences, but this narrative was a powerful and eye-opening read. She writes, âIâd really thought I was dead inside when it came to sex â unsalvagable, damaged goods. But who knew that not drinking could actually be better for your sex life because it increases intimacy (once you get past all of that bumbling awkwardness)? And who knew I wasnât dead inside, just dormant, like a willow tree in the winter?â
I hope I havenât disappointed too many readers in failing to talk about cannabis use this week. Making this a two-part post was not my original plan. I had intended to write it all as one article. But, alas, our familyâs turn has finally come, and the majority of my family (including PM and myself) became sick with COVID this past week. *sigh* I am grateful, however, that it waited until all of us but one were fully vaccinated (still waiting on that toddler version) and that our symptoms have been generally mild.
But Iâve been hit the hardest of the three of us who tested positive, and Iâm struggling to stay awake and even get this first part of a now two-part piece written. So forgive me if I sound a little muddled. And try to remember the famous parenting adage: you get what you get, and you donât get upset.
But I sincerely hope that you will check back in next Tuesday for Part 2, where I talk about our experience combining cannabis and sex.
Until next time, stay kinky đ
Sources and additional reading
On alcohol and sleep, see âWhy Does Alcohol Mess With My Sleep?â by Amelia Nierenberg, The New York Times online, Jan. 25, 2022.
For further reading on the topic of alcohol and sex, see the following:
âAlcohol and Female Sexuality: A Look at Expectancies and Risks,â by Jeanette Norris, from Alcohol Health and Research World, 1994.
âThe Pros and Cons of Mixing Sex and Alcohol,â by Michael Castleman, from Psychology Today, July 1, 2019.
On the association of alcohol and risky sexual behaviors, see this review of research literature, âFactors influencing the relationship between alcohol consumption and risky sexual behaviour among young people: A systematic review,â by Cassandra Wagenaar, Maria Florence, Sabirah Adams and Shazly Savahl, in Cogent Psychology, 2018, vol. 5 issue 1.
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